November 14th, 2013
The Nine Rings
of Relationship
This is my map for relationships.
I made it to show myself where to put my energy and time, and how to balance it all. But most importantly, this is about recognizing the value each relationship has, and respecting it for exactly what it is, not what I want it to be, or hope it to be, or think it should be, or what someone else thinks it should be.
(Zoom into the photo to read the rings)
Expect Them To Be Who They Are
Manage shoulds and shouldn’t's. Technically, our spouses, families, best friends can slide outside of the ring we think they should be in. It’s not a fixed ring with boundaries. Someone’s behavior and choices are what place them in one of the rings, and likewise, move them around.
This is Not Punishment or Devaluing
This is not Dante’s rings of hell. It’s about me not placing expectations, me seeing who they really are. And for me, it works. It has evolved, and as I’ve determined where my relationships felt “too black and white,” I’ve adjusted the visual above to match.
**** NEW RINGS ****
1. ME. The inner circle is me.
2. SPOUSE. The next ring is my husband (spouse or significant other).
3. KINDRED. The next ring is dear friends who are kindred spirits. The kind I can say anything to. The kind who value honesty and don’t place limitations on our relationship. –If you have dear family members, they would be here also (and aren’t YOU lucky if you do).
4. TRUSTED. The ring of trust. Trustworthy friends. A lot of variety here. Many of them, I can depend on. I know who they are down deep, and there’s mutual respect. Some I may not see as often. They are true friends regardless of how much they participate. The only thing that separates them from the previous ring: time, circumstance, priority, intention.
5. POLARIZED. Life is so mercurial, especially as we all experience the changes life hurls at us. So this ring has evolved to represent those people whom I love …whose lives and choices make them swing like pendulums. Their priorities change back and forth, their needs change back and forth, ebb and flow, just like the tides. There’s always a certain quality of being asleep, or being unaware how their choices and words and actions affect others. Trust can be gained and broken and gained again. These people often don’t quite know who they are, or what they want. When these people do figure out who they are and what they want, they either become toxic or they move inward on the dartboard.
6. PRACTICE PEOPLE. The 6th ring doesn’t represent distance at all. Because family can easily fall into this circle. Practice People… are those who push your buttons, and demand that you rise above. Your very relationship with them is a constant opportunity to grow, stretch and evolve. To become practiced at handling difficult people or relationships. These people are our evolution, and are very important. Without them, we stagnate and never get the opportunity to grow and stretch. These people aren’t going anywhere most likely… not until we master dealing with them and the issues they mirror to us.
7. IN-&-OUTS. Here today, gone tomorrow, back again, gone again. But always neutral, benign. Best to be open to whatever these relationships become. People can move inward or outward from this circle.
8. BENIGNLY NEGATIVE. People in my life who unintentionally slime me with their negative choices, beliefs, actions. They are negative, but don’t seek to do harm on purpose; it’s just who they are and how they see life. Workmates and even relatives can land here, or people who change due to trauma or stressful life situations. They may even be fun or entertaining… but… in small doses.
9. TOXIC. The 9th ring – They have broken trust, intentionally or otherwise, perhaps multiple times. Takers, vampires, those who envy, criticize and tear down. They are a bad influence on self-esteem, health, life outlook, habits and well-being. They are as far from the center as they can get without being strangers. Some of them managed to get to at least the 4th ring at one time. And they should be kept at the greatest distance possible.
Nothing is Carved in Stone
There are always exceptions and room for movement and change. Some people even manage to straddle rings. Then there’s guilt by association. Or our own tendencies to forgive because we love someone.
I talked with a good friend recently about the division of my time and energy. This post is definitely the twin-sister to the *last post* about where we place our energy. It allows me to be respectful not only of other’s choices, but to wrangle my own expectations. I am happier when I remember to police my perspective with these nine simple rings. Always evolving, just like me.
~Shephard
(November 14, 2013)
(I originally talked about the Nine Rings *here* … if you want to see its beginnings)
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