When I was 15, people knew I was different.
I was a sophomore in High School who tried to blend.
I put photos of girls on my school notebooks.
I made sure not to carry my books like a girl.
My parents didn’t buy me nice clothes, so I wasn’t Kurt Hummel (link)
I had no clue how to dress –so much for that stereotype.
“You’re Weird.”
I tried to make people laugh.
And they laughed.
But a lot of kids told me I was weird.
I was very self-conscious, so I wasn’t one of those kids who did weird things to get attention. They just knew I was different. And that was weird to them.
Being Good at Hiding
When I was 15, hiding was necessary for all gay kids.
Some people were so good at it, I didn’t know they were gay til years after High School!
You know that one good looking boy who got along with everyone, and everyone admired him? Talented and popular, athletic? But you never really saw him date a girl very regularly? Yeah, that kid. He was a master at camouflage.
But I sucked at pretending to like things I didn’t like.
And people usually know when you’re trying to be something you’re not. I tried to keep my head down, and avoided bullies. I was careful about my behavior, but the jocks would invent reasons to make fun of me. I hid in acting and choir class as best I could, I found real friends, and once I made it to junior and senior year, there were far fewer painful incidences. I was one of the lucky ones.
Gay Celebrities
When I was 15, there were no out celebrities to tell me I okay.
No Ellen DeGeneres or Chris Colfer, no Neil Patrick Harris (how cute is he?) or John Barrowman,
no Lady Gaga, no Ellen Page making amazing speeches.
No Brandi Carlile (I adore her voice) and Mark Feehily (Westlife) singing amazing songs,
No Zachary Quinto or Jason Collins. No Tom Daley or Anastasia Bucsis.
No cool celebrities sticking up for gay kids when I was 15. When Elton John and k.d. lang came out, it rocked my world. I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. To me, they were (and still are) heroes. So is every celebrity who bravely steps out of the closet.
Is it Something I Said or Did?
I guess it’s just an energy some of us put out, ya know?
Sometimes it’s about being less masculine.
If you’re a girl, sometimes it’s about being more masculine.
Or just having different interests and likes than other girls. Or boys.
If you’re a guy, sometimes it’s about being kinder, more sensitive, friendlier and happier.
Being a tomboy is often suspect as well. As is not playing sports if you’re a guy.
And gay boys can be best friends with girls, without a wall between genders.
And all the straight boys notice this. Dead giveaway.
High School is Four Short Years
I wasn’t out, but it wasn’t really a secret either.
The friends I had knew, even though none of us ever said the word or talked about it. Ever.
When I was 15, I never thought I’d find someone who loved less-than-perfect me. I just couldn’t imagine. I was so wrong about that! And I didn’t have to be a pretty gay poster boy to snag my hubby, either! 26 years later, he’s still the love of my life.
I remember High School was my whole world, esp. as I really had no home life. It was awful. But I got through it. I didn’t have support or resources, so I just faked it all as best I could, had a few people to turn to, and kept my head down.
COLLEGE!
When I went to college, my whole life blossomed and took off like a rocket!
I met other gay people! In college, even the straight people were less narrow and judgmental (ok, it wasn’t a bible college tho, lol). I was surrounded by others who were “finding themselves” instead of trying to be popular. High School is nothing like the real world. It gets so much better.
You Will Find the Most Wonderful Friends
Whether you want to go to college or not, you might need to get out of small towns, and find educated places to live, places where people aren’t sheltered, and have more life and world experience. Being homophobic is a side effect of being less (or badly) educated. Plain and simple. And you don’t have to move to San Francisco for your circle of acceptance to grow by leaps and bounds anymore. You will find the most wonderful friends out there!
Being Gay Isn’t Easy
There was no one to tell me any of this when I was 15. Being gay is hard. But it’s getting easier and easier! There are people out there who will love you for exactly who you are. Maybe you are lucky enough that you already found some! The world is changing so quickly.
You will look back at high school, and realize it was a strange artificial place, sealed tight from the real world…where all kids (not just the gay ones) agree to hide who they really are.
There are millions of people out there who do care, and who will embrace us for who we are.
Millions! Don’t let a couple hundred ignorant and inexperienced kids in your high school make you think otherwise.
They simply don’t know the truth.
Those of us out here, we know. Believe us.
~Shephard
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