THE FOUR AGREEMENTS was a provocative read. One chapter in particular grabbed me and painted the most indelible picture in my mind.
I’ll quickly paraphrase. . .
You walk into a movie theater.
Your mom is sitting there watching a movie.
She’s the only one in the theater.
As you sit behind her, and start watching the movie, you realize the movie she’s watching is her life. As you watch with her, you see the portrayals of yourself, your father, your family and friends all portrayed from slightly askew to wildly inaccurate. And it’s upsetting and you can’t believe her perceptions are so wrong. You leave, walk into another theater, and it’s your life. And everything is right as rain. You realize that your mom’s movie is her perspective. Right or wrong, she has cast people the way she has cast them, starring roles, supporting, peripheral characters, etc. Accurate to inaccurate.
Everyone Casts Their Own Movie
You have no control over how others cast you.
You may be the love interest, the best friend, the weird neighbor, or the villain. And you can be ALL of those roles at the same time!
You could be THE SELFISH WIFE because your priorites are different than others… or
THE STUBBORN SON because you don’t budge on healthy boundaries with interferring family.
Or THE DEMANDING FRIEND because you want people to take responsbility for their choices.
Or THE STRICT PARENT because you’re protecting your child’s future.
The roles are limitless.
Not everyone casts us against type, against the reality of who we are.
Our close friends, spouses and even family often get it right. Or very close.
Still others cast you just left or right of center. No harm in that either.
*The Four Agreements * (link) argues that, because you have no control over how you are cast (seen), you shouldn’t take the way someone else casts you personally. Because it’s not who you are. It’s their perception.
People will cast you
exactly as they need to cast you,
often based more on their needs and perception
than on who you are.
I’ve gone most of my life thinking:
If I can just get through to them.
If I can just tell them how I feel.
What I meant. How I believe. Why I made that choice.
It’s exhausting. And they have final say, because it’s not my movie.
CONTROL
My energy would be better used trying not to take other’s choices personally, knowing they’ll move me around their own ”Rings of Relationship” as they see fit (if you missed that post, see below). On a good day, I recognize that I am who they need me to be. On a bad day, I take their choices more personally. On a medium day, I seem to have equal amounts acceptance and objection, not enough of either to disappoint or expect.
To be clear: This isn’t about how strangers see me.
This is about the people in the rings of relationship around me.
It’s not about being worried about the outsides.
It’s about not taking others’ perceptions personally.
We have to keep being ourselves regardless of the roles we play in others’ movies.
But I know me. I’m a writer.
So I’m always going to give communication the ole college try.
I think the trick for me is keeping an eye on the rings (link below), seeing the bigger picture, and knowing when it’s wasted energy.
~Shephard
LINK: *Rings of Relationship* - how we manage our relationships.
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